


and you their pirate queen

by Attila



Series: leave behind a legend (a tale for all to tell) [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pirates, Extremely Background Kash/Keyleth, F/F, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-24 00:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10730319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Attila/pseuds/Attila
Summary: Even pirates have royalty, as it turns out.





	and you their pirate queen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zornslemon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zornslemon/gifts).



Vex leans back in Zahra’s arms, ostensibly watching the ocean for ships, but mostly just enjoying the cool night air and playing with her gorgeous girlfriend’s gorgeous hair. Trinket sleeps, slightly mournfully, at the bottom of the mast, unable to climb the rigging to follow her and too big to haul up. Still, sound carries well on the open water, so every so often, she hears him roll over and snuffle, and she makes kissy noises back at him while Zahra stifles giggles against her neck.

“Sometimes I worry that you love him more than me,” Zahra says quietly, teasing.

Vex smiles, letting the barest hint of pretend condescension crawl into her voice as she says, “He’s Trinket. I love him more than everyone.”

“I do believe you’re not supposed to tell your lover and employer that,” Zahra says, _very_  softly, her breath warm against the shell of Vex’s ear. “Perhaps you’d better make it up to me.”

Sex in the crow’s nest isn’t practical, convenient, or sensible, but Vex is still gearing up to do just that when she hears a second voice. “That’s just hurtful, Vex’ahlia,” her brother says, evidently having totally missed Zahra’s last statement, and then he vaults into view over the edge of the nest. It’s stupidly graceful, right until the ship sways and he loses his footing and almost collapses. “Fuck,” he says. “I hate it up here.”

Vex trips him, half for fun and half out of spite. No matter how catlike he normally is, this far up the mast, his balance is so bad that even though he sees her foot coming to sweep his legs out from under him, he practically trips _himself_  trying to evade it, sputtering and going down hard, landing half on her lap and glaring. “Oh, _very_  nice,” he says.

She pats his cheek while Zahra laughs at them both. “If you hate it so much, brother, why are you here?”

He flips her off, leaning back across her legs instead of trying to get back up again. “Gilmore and I were talking—” he starts.

“In a he’s on the ship right now kind of way, or in your creepy telepathy kind of way?” Vex says, because on the one hand, Gilmore installed an extremely expensive teleportation sigil apparently entirely to pop onto the ship for quickies, but on the other hand, he doesn’t really sail well, and half the time, he and Vax appear to maintain their relationship entirely through a deeply weird twenty-four-hour telepathy spell.

“It’s not _creepy_ ,” he says, and then, “Gilmore, I don’t think it’s creepy,” which means definitely the creepy telepathy way.

“It’s creepy,” Vex says.

“It’s a little odd,” Zahra says neutrally.

“Both of you are terrible,” Vax says. “It’s nice. And telepathic sex is—”

“Oh my _god_ , stop talking.”

“So you and Gilmore were speaking telepathically,” Zahra says, a laugh on the edge of her voice, shivering against Vex’s cheek and making her want to dropkick her stupid brother off the side of the ship.

“Still are,” says Vax, grinning in that dopey, ‘I love my boyfriend’ way. “He has a message for you, Zahra.”

Zahra straightens a little, but only barely, seeing as Vex is still leaning back against her chest, and Vax is still on _her_ lap.

“Gilmore has a message for me? That’s unusual.”

“Yeah. He says...” Vax trails off, frowning and staring vaguely into the middle distance. Vex pokes him, and he waves an absent hand at her, saying, “Yeah, yeah, just a second.”

Another telepathic conversation, then.

At last he says, “Gilmore says their majesties would like a word, and he absolutely refuses to expand on that.” He looks up at Zahra. “Since when do pirates answer to king, queen, or country?”

Zahra’s dead silent, and when Vex cranes her head back to look at her, she sees her staring at Vax, her mouth open. “Their— _really_?” she says. Then she shakes her head briskly. “Of course really, what a stupid question. Where can I find them? Back at Daggerbay?”

“No,” Vax says slowly. “He says they’re coming to us. This is just a heads up and a quick reminder to look at flags before you consider, say, shooting at another ship.”

Zahra snorts. “Who was that stupid? No, don’t tell me, I’m sure I’ll hear all about when we next dock. I look forward to receiving their majesties. Any time frame?”

“Day or two,” Vax says with a shrug. “Now, seriously, will you explain, or do I need to start seducing him into doing it?”

“ _Stop talking about telepathic sex_.”

Vax looks at her. “So you don’t want to know what I’ll make him tell me?”

“All right, fine, but have your telepathic sex somewhere else, and I’ll talk to Zahra, and we’ll see who’s sexy enough to make them break first.”

Zahra laughs. “That is not necessary. For either of you. I imagine Gilmore’s only withholding information out of some idea of dramatic timing or—”

“He’s offended that you think he’s _that_ ridiculous,” Vax says, breaking in. “He says he’s not a pirate, fence or no, so he’s not supposed to tell people about their majesties, unless I want ridiculous legends and tall tales meant to scare merchants and small children and obscure the actual truth. Am I supposed to believe that means that the old stories about the pirate king are _true_?”

“Almost certainly not,” Zahra says, laughing, but Vex’s mind is already filled whispered tales. Emon had been a coastal city, after all, and people talked.

“The _Ivory Tower_?” she says eagerly. “One ship that rules the waves and all the pirates in the Ozmit Sea and beyond, ruthless and rich beyond all measure, the biggest and fastest ship on the ocean? They say it flies a white flag, not to surrender, but to tell other ships to surrender to _it_.”

“That’s—well, that’s at least somewhat accurate, to be fair,” Zahra says, sounding a little surprised. “The ship is called the _Ivory Tower_ , they do fly a white flag—though it does also have a black skull and crossbones on it—and their majesties do sail on it. But it would be rather difficult for a ship to be both the biggest and the fastest, I think, and _they_  don’t have a druid like our Keyleth. But ruling the waves is quite accurate. Every pirate is sworn to them, though that doesn’t mean much. Their majesties don’t give a lot of orders, or even ask for a cut of the profits—which is probably why they’ve stayed in power so long. They don’t bother us unless they need to, and sailors are superstitious. We like symbols, and they’re an excellent one. But they keep the law—such as it is—on the ocean, and things would be a lot more dangerous without them.”

“ _Their_  majesties,” Vax says. “More than one? We only ever heard about _the_  pirate king, whose name was too terrifying to speak, apparently.”

“Their majesties,” Zahra confirms. “Two. And they’re queens, actually.”

—

Vex is the first to see the ship on the horizon, of course, two days later. Even knowing that the stories people told each other in Emon were largely fictional, she feels a thrill go up her spine when she holds the spyglass up to her eye and distantly, the wind catches the other ship’s colors.

White background. Black skull. The _Ivory Tower_.

She takes a deep, steadying breath, trying to control the giddy shiver that goes through her, and then she whistles sharply. “Sails!” she yells. “It’s them!”

There’s instant activity on deck, though there isn’t actually much to do besides point themselves in the right direction and wait.

(“I’m guessing this is a rare occurrence,” Vex had said, after the crew’s shock when Zahra told them.

“Beyond rare,” Zahra’d said. “We’ve met them at Daggerbay before, of course, and paid our respects, and I believe they’re quite friendly with Gilmore, but this? Yes, I’d say this is unusual.”)

Everyone seems as desperately excited as she is, and after a few minutes of pointless running around, Kash calls out and beckons her down.

“There’s no point in your being up there now,” he says when her feet hit the boards. “They’re coming to us, and it’s not as if any other ship is going to fuck with us with the _Ivory Tower_  around.”

“It’s that good a ship?” she says.

He snorts. “Let me put it this way. If you’d hired _them_  to come fuck up Emon and get you out of there—which you couldn’t’ve done, let’s be clear—the city might not even be there anymore.”

“Fuck,” she says, impressed.

“And then some,” he agrees. “Anyway, I’m guessing you’d like to meet them, and that’ll be a bit hard from fifty feet in the air.”

“Yeah,” she says. “Thanks.” She watches the ship in the distance slowly creep closer, and Kash elbows her.

“Of course, it’ll still be at least an hour, so I wouldn’t get too eager just yet.”

Vex groans. “Right, thanks for the reminder that anticipation is the worst disease on sea.”

“Except for scurvy. Eat your vegetables.”

“Shut up, you’re not my real mom.”

Jokes aside, the sightlines on the ocean are simultaneously the beautiful and the most aggravating part about her new life—she can see things coming from so far away that it’s maddening how long it takes to actually get to them. The first time she’d spotted a merchant ship and Kash’d said, “Right, everyone get ready to be criminals in about four hours,” she’d thought she was going to die of waiting.

“God,” she says. “Can’t Keyleth speed us up any?”

“I mean, she could,” Kash says. “Because my girlfriend’s an amazing badass who can do anything.”

“Right, yeah.”

Kash nods. “Also the most annoying.”

Vex rolls her eyes. “Absolutely.”

“So, yeah, she totally could. But it’s kind of a waste. They’d’ve told Gilmore to tell us if they were in an actual _rush_ , so she might as well hang onto her energy for later.”

“Ba dum tssh,” Scanlan says, passing by. “I know what _you_  want her to save her energy for, Kashaw.”

“Your sex jokes aren’t going to impress me until you’ve got a real drum kit to do the noise on,” Vex tells him.

“Everything about me impresses you, Vex, and you know it,” Scanlan says cheerfully, walking off towards Pike. “You just don’t like admitting it.”

“What’d you say that for?” Kash says, glaring at her, once he’s out of earshot. “Now he’s going to _get_ one.”

“Right,” Vex says. “He’s tiny. Don’t _you_  want to see him try to carry it around?”

Kash stares at her. “As he would say, _that’s what Bigby’s for_.”

Vex blinks. “Oh, goddamnit.”

—

By the time the two ships actually reach each other, Vex has given up on patience and dragged Zahra into the captain’s quarters to seduce her into a quick round of sex to burn the adrenaline off. She’s trying to talk her into a second go when they’re interrupted by a quick knock on the door.

“It’s me!” Pike calls out. “Kash says—Kash says that he needs the captain outside.”

Zahra snorts, pushing Vex away and starting to do up the laces of her clothes. “No need to be so polite,” she says dryly, finger-combing her hair into order while Vex reluctantly drags her pants back on and grabs her hat. “I know Kash too well to believe he was that delicate.”

“You’re right,” Pike says when they open the door, mostly decent. “He actually said, ‘Tell Z to pry her head out from between Vex’s legs and get her ass out here to where the professionals are doing all the work.’” She grins. “I did try to tell him we were nothing of the sort, but he just made faces at me and groaned a lot.”

“I imagine he did,” Zahra says, with the kind of pleasure that can only properly be taken by torturing a best friend. “If he’s so eager to see me, I can only assume—ah. Yes.”

And Vex looks out to the port side of the ship to watch one of the most beautifully, dangerously massive ships she’s ever seen coming to drift neatly parallel with them. It looks to be manned the way she always heard pirate ships were: dozens of people running across the deck tying things down, not like the tiny—but still very threatening, considering the firepower of each person on board— _Vox Machina_. At the prow of the ship is the beautifully carved figure of a dragon, and on the side, in beautiful script, there are letters reading _Ivory Tower_. It’s like a palace on the sea, exactly the way she imagined pirate royalty would live.

“Is it too late to switch ships?” Vax murmurs, just loud enough to be heard, appearing at her side out of nowhere like he always does. “I like that one.”

“It’s cute that you think they wouldn’t take one look and laugh you overboard,” Kash says, coming to stand next to Zahra. “Z, who are you taking over there?”

“The twins,” Zahra says after a moment, which is good, because Vex might’ve been forced to break up with her otherwise. Well, no, not that. But something drastic, at any rate. Zahra says, “I want their majesties to meet the newest members of our crew. And—oh, and Percy.”

“Not me?” Kash says, crossing his arms.

Zahra smiles. “Darling, dearly though I love you, you are _not_ good in diplomatic situations. Far better to stay here with Grog.”

“Yeah, all—hang on, did you just imply I’m as bad at talking to people as _Grog_?” Zahra grins, and Kash shakes his head at her. “God, Z, fuck you too.”

“Mm,” Zahra says. “Go get Percival for me, darling.”

Kash flips her off, which is a bad habit he’s probably picked up from Vex’s brother, but he also says, “Aye-aye, Captain,” and walks off.

“What kind of diplomacy do you think we’re gonna need?” Vex says, quietly.

Zahra’s silent a moment, and then she sighs. “I don’t know. I doubt we’re in trouble, or else Gilmore would’ve mentioned it, but... I just can’t think what they’d want us for. We’re a good ship, but I didn’t think we were impressive enough that they’d notice us much.”

“Well,” Vex says. “I guess we’ll find out.”  
  
—

They lay gangplanks out between the two ships, anchoring them firmly on their side and waiting for the okay from the other ship before Zahra steps carefully across, Percy following her and Vex and Vax behind him.

A man is waiting for them on the other side—hot, Vex notices idly, though she’s not terribly interested in people who aren’t Zahra, these days. Skin as dark as Gilmore’s, leaning casually on the side of the ship with a half-smile as he waits for them to step onto the deck.

“Hello,” he says, and then he nods politely at Zahra. “Captain Hydris, I presume?”

“Guilty,” Zahra says, smiling back. “And a few of my crew members. I trust that’s all right?”

“Of course,” he says. “I’m sure their majesties will be delighted to see all of you.” He pushes away from the railing and bows. It feels a touch mocking, but in a good-natured enough way that Vex barely bristles. “If you’ll come with me? They’re waiting.”

Zahra beckons the three of them to fall into step with her, and they follow him across the deck towards where the captain’s quarters always are on ships, it seems, just under the helm. He knocks perfunctorily on the door and pokes his head in without waiting for an answer, which feels awfully presumptuous—considering they’re _queens_ —but what does Vex know. “Majesties,” he says, cheerfully enough. “Captain Hydris and some crew members are here to you.”

“Bring them in,” a gentle voice calls out, and the man opens the door wider and gestures them through.

The room itself isn’t especially opulent—but it’s clear at just a glance that this ship has more money than the _Vox Machina_ has ever managed, from the wall hangings to the fancy pens and navigational tools lying on the desk to the truly _gorgeous_ carpet on the floor. The woman sitting behind the desk is human, with long, blonde braids, a vividly blue shirt that shows only vague signs of hard wearing or the sea air tucked into her practical pants and fine leather boots. The most obvious sign of her apparent wealth is in her earrings, which positively _drip_ with jewels, held by exquisitely delicate wires. Vex squints at them, trying to figure out how much she could fence them to Gilmore for. A couple hundred gold, at _least_.

“Thank you, Jarett,” she says, in the same friendly voice that had invited them inside. “That’s all for now, we’ll yell if we need you.”

“Of course, Majesty,” the man says, and he backs out, closing the door behind him.

Vex glances at the other woman, a halfling, who’s leaning against the wall next to the single, tiny window, her arms crossed and a frown on her face. Unlike the human, she’s dressed in heavy armor, but it looks just as expensive. Gold plate, detailing with the symbol of one of the dragon gods, _fancy_ work. There’s a scar on her face, across one eye, and a heavy maul at her side.

“Captain Hydris,” the human says lightly, “how good to see you again.”

“We’re honored to be here, Your Majesty,” Zahra says. “I hope you remember Percy, and these are my newest crewmembers, Vax’ildan and Vex’ahlia.”

The human inclines her head regally. “A pleasure to meet both of you.”

“Hi,” the halfling says flatly, but then she gives Vex a quick smile. “Hope you’re enjoying piracy.”

“Very much, yes,” Vex says, a little surprised.

“Great,” she says, nodding decisively. “That’s good. Piracy’s awesome.”

The human covers a smile with a hand.

“Vex, Vax, these are their royal majesties, rulers of the high seas—Queens Allura Vysoren and Kima of Vord.”

—

Queen Allura pours them all tea—which is weird, partly because of the whole _royalty_ thing, though Vex can’t say she particularly objects to not having to dance attendance on her apparent liege lords, and partly because she honestly can’t remember the last time she drank something that wasn’t at least a little spiked. Hello, _pirates_. Plus, Keyleth is a really bad influence.

Once the niceties have been performed, Percy folds his hands under his chin and leans forward, his elbows braced comfortably on a map of the Ozmit. “I hate to be impatient, Your Majesty, but if we could get down to business? It’s not every day we’re called to a meeting in the queens’ cabin.”

Allura frowns down at her teacup, swirling it and watching the liquid inside. The ship rocks around them, and the tea inside spills out, just slightly, but she only sighs and waves a hand, murmuring a quiet word, and the mess disappears. “This is a…complicated situation.”

Kima snorts. “Complicated is one way to put it,” she says. “Look, I’ll cut to the chase, all right? Something big is coming, and we could use a hand. Really, we could use a _hero_ , but we’re pirates, so you morons will have to do.”

They exchange quick, confused glances, and then Percy says, delicately, “Flattered as I am by your comparison, I—”

“The _Vox Machina_ and her crew have a reputation,” Kima says bluntly. “For being the tiny little powerhouse that could, being seriously dangerous assholes—also lately for having a _bear_ , what the fuck, guys—and for being, and this is the key point, totally non-lethal. That’s unusual in a pirate, and it says something about you guys.”

“Something we like,” Allura says, picking the thread up smoothly and flashing a quelling look at Kima, who just shrugs. “Kima and I didn’t start out as pirates, we wanted to be—at any rate, circumstances being what they are, we’re here now.”

“So are we,” Zahra says, frowning. “I’m not unhappy you’re pleased with us, but none of us have any desire to change our line of work.”

“No, nor do we, not at this point,” Allura says quickly.

“But what if we could cut you in on the kind of score that cut set a crew up for _life_ , while doing some serious good for, you know, innocents?” Kima says. “I know pirates aren’t big on innocents—except in the kinky roleplaying way—”

“ _Kima_ ,” Allura says.

“—but we figured you guys might be more into it. Plus, hey, money.”

“Well, that’s a thrilling proposition,” Percy says, smiling a little too carefully, “but what’s the catch?”

Kima grins, showing all her teeth. “Oh, you know. Certain death.”

Vex bursts out laughing, despite herself, and Vax throws an arm around her shoulders. “Oh,” he says. “Is that all? Here we thought it was going to be something bad.”

Kima looks at Allura. “I like them.”

Allura shakes her head, but she’s smiling too. “Well, then. Have any of you ever heard of the red dragon Thordak, or the Chroma Conclave?”

**Author's Note:**

> FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT WRITING A SEQUEL.
> 
> Mentioning that upfront, because I know I sort of stuck a plot hook on the end of that, but I'm _not doing it_. What I actually told Rose when she brought it up was: "also I did _not_ set it up so you would need a sequel, the entire Chroma Conclave arc would change only marginally in this universe--they would use the ships/Daggerbay as a base of operations instead of Whitestone (because they never did Whitestone in this universe, the Briarwoods are still there), Pike and Zahra and Kash would be around the entire time, they'd get the Slayer's Take tip from somewhere else (because they're not members), and they have a jump on preparations (because of some reason I haven't worked out yet, I'm not totally positive on what Kima and Allura's backstory is in this universe besides that they got somehow fucked over after the Thordak thing and turned to piracy, but somehow they know this is coming even though Emon hasn't been attacked yet--would Emon be attacked? Since Allura isn't there? Can't remember enough details of that--anyway, possibly they know Raishan somehow or something else crazy like that, maybe Raishan's more of an actually helping double agent in this, that might be interesting, especially if she still totally fucks up the Ashari, because--ANYWAY I'M NOT WRITING THIS AND DON'T NEED TO, IS MY POINT. THAT'S THE POINT I'M MAKING. RIGHT NOW. THAT POINT)."
> 
> Which I know sounds kind of like I might be writing a sequel--or at least thinking about one--but all joking aside, I'm really not. It would mostly be rehashing the actual arc from the show, which no one needs to read (and I definitely don't need to write), and not enough would actually change to make it interesting. That's why I used the Chroma Conclave as the hook at the end--all of you already know how that goes, so I figured it would eat at you less.
> 
> As far as I'm concerned, my pirates verse is now DONE, finished, the series is marked complete on AO3, it's all over. Which is not to say that you aren't totally free to ask me about headcanons or how things are different or whatever else you want (in fact, I'd love it if you did), either in comments here or at my [tumblr](https://attilarrific.tumblr.com).
> 
> This was written as a birthday present for Rose, whose birthday was yesterday, so go wish her a happy birthday! (Back when I was writing _now seek the far horizon_ , I told her that Kima and Allura were pirate queens in this universe, but that it would never make it into the fic proper, and she's been telling me to write it ever since.)
> 
> Title is still from [Zoe Mulford's _Sister, Sail_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kc0jaYYJNPY).
> 
> And now that these notes are nearly as long as the fic itself--thanks, guys! You rock.


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